The beginning of a blog, a place to bear my soul to the great void with the secret hope that someone, somewhere will hear me. A place to be honest with my deepest feelings and to reveal meaning of unconscious acts to myself. But mostly, lets be honest - a place to whine.
I have Bipolar II, and at this moment, I am depressed. The only thing in my world more difficult than going to bed at night, is getting up in the morning. I am slowly but surely removing myself from the things I loved. I no longer play sport as nobody wants a player that may or may not turn up to a match. I don't go out with friends, as its harder and harder to listen, or smile at the right times. I don't have a job, or study because no matter what I do I end up hoping that a bus will hit me, or maybe lightning will strike me, maybe I'll get cancer, please?
I can almost not imagine life any other way. I am almost to the point where it might not exist. I can know in my mind that there are other ways, that millions of people can get up every morning, even when it isn't easy. I can know that there is nothing actually wrong, but I still feel like this. I feel sad.I have almost constant heartache. My chest burns. Its the kind of pain that throbs. Its why I'd do almost anything to feel something different, anything different. That's when it gets dangerous.
It often seems that nobody cares, which is true to some extent. When I feel this bad I don't want anyone near me, and they all get pushed away. A friend who doesn't return phonecalls or emails can be easy to forget, but in my case I think its also beacuse nobody knows. I don't like to show the world the stupid part of me. I can choose to show the giggles rather than the pain.
So here I am. Barely holding on to something I don't always want. Having Bipolar II is a rollercoaster, I just wish there were more ups.
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